PEOPLE IN TREE HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES

an olive tree aficionado had told them how many liters of water went into making their glass of orange juice, and they were appalled. not when the noble, native olive tree was being displaced! but, of course, not either that the displacers who had come with their dog in their camper (that doesn't run on olive oil) had volunteered to drink olive juice... still, they decided to leave the capitalist-eat-idealist terrestrial world of orange-groved golf courses to live in the trees. they had heard, they said, smoking, that it could improve blood circulation and was conducive to deep thinking. a japanese man, they said, had been living in a tree house for years, and his wisdom had become so sage and respected that a crowd of people came to him daily for advice. (although, of course, the decision to move should have been easy for a many living in a country that so valued orange juice and golf.)

tree living wasn't exactly as simple as the hippie family robinson had thought, but they nonetheless thrived. where ingenuity and invention weren't sufficient, stubborn defiance won the day. the camper was permanently parked, and the dog -- permanently a puppy since the move to the tree -- had a pulley system elevator for going up and twisty slide for going down. even though there wasn't enough regular rainfall for their rainwater collection system to support the family's needs, let's say that's what they used, because, come on...we can't really ask these people to dig a well, now can we (although a photo of the puppy wearing a water bucket yoke would make for an undeniably great christmas card). anyway, it wasn't long before the tree family became all of them gurus, which was convenient because gurus don't need to eat, and the family didn't have enough water to maintain its subsistence farm. without a proper sewage system, it was also convenience to not have to poop.

tired after all of the courses across the region started to play the same, and with an irreconcilable feeling of emptiness inside their golf bags, the rich and the power brokers (who had magnanimously been saved the guillotine) started to come to the tree for advice. then it wasn't long before the majority was on the path to guruhood, and their new polity made it difficult for the ground dwellers to continue with their old traditions. become enlightened! the benevolent guru kings said. who could want for orange juice when you could learn to survive on the beauty of an orchid! (native variety, of course.) don't ask what they were feeding the dogs. ...what did the ewoks eat? it was probably that.

the third time that my friend fell i petitioned the community for structural improvements in the tree house cluster. the next morning, at the bottom of a tree around the world in japan, the old guru spoke: "people who live in tree houses shouldn't wear high heels." but it was too late for my friend. after three falls, it was only doggie elevators and slides for her.

one day a wave came and knocked the houses out of the trees. sadly, my friend would never walk in high heels again.

"because one day a wave is gonna come, and it won't matter if it kills orange trees or olive trees. a wave from the ocean, which is part of the water cycle. when we talk about the environment, we're talking about social resources. about muh-ney." one of the two from the camper left the table to play with the dog.

the morning after the tree house debacle, after everyone had sobered from enough revolutionary wine that no one was sad not to have had to climb a tree house ladder to get to bed, there was orange juice on the breakfast table. and although they said that they had already eaten and would be fine with coffee (which, of course, is totally native to the south of portugal), there was orange juice for the two who had slept in the camper as well. seeing that they didn't want it, the host reached across the table and helped herself.

that same morning, at the bottom of a tree around the world in japan, the old guru spoke to his devotees: "people who live in tree houses shouldn't throw stones. because they're liable to get a thousand glasses of water tossed in their face."