UNCHARTED TERRITORY

In a world of technology so far advanced that something should probably wipe my ass the moment it detects human fecal matter, I'm not sure why I was surprised at the accuracy of my latest application for 'The Precious' (my iPhone). This application displays on The Precious as a pink flower inside a little white box with the title “P Tracker” below it. It reminds me of the bedroom of a girl in her preteens, which is long before she would ever need a P Tracker of her own.

So this app, when selected, after prompting for a security code to be entered (THANK GOD!) shows a colorful screen that usually says something like “9 Days Left”: the dreaded countdown to my period. After selecting the calender I can make notes about my daily symptoms -- bloating, represented by a cupcake; tender breasts, represented by a fork (?); cramps, acne, body aches, etc. Another category lets me document moods: angry, calm, depressed, flirty, I might kill every man who looks at me today, and so on. . . There's also an option to admit to The Precious whether or not I've been intimate today, which will then place a little heart on my calender (and let's just say my calender isn't exactly looking like Valentines Day if you know what I'm saying).

So after three months of tracking my P, I have realized that the shit is like clockwork. Every month, exactly ten days before my period, I swell up like a pig, I feel fat and disgusting but still insist on wearing tight clothes because loose ones will only make me look fatter (NOT a real thing, by the way). The bloating goes away about a week before my period, and two days later comes a sadness that builds for three days, and by the third day (which is 3 days before my period) I have a complete crazy-woman-leaving-Alice-in-Wonderland-sobbing-insisting-on-walking-home-in-the-rain-because-my-ex-boyfriend-rides-his-bike-too-far-ahead-of-me-and-girls-hate-me style meltdown. (That's just a hypothetical random made up example. No one thinks like that.) The meltdown is followed by cramps, more bloating, cramps, huge boobs, cramps and exhaustion until the release! Then once I start my period everything is chill, and I don't even know who that crazy bitch was who took over my body for the previous ten days.

I'm now into the third month of tracking. I still fall victim to the period monster, but I'm better equipped to brace myself for (and protect others from) the roller coaster ride we're about to take.

Until now, the P Tracker has really just validated my crazies, but this week it gave me a new one. I realize that my dog/the love of my life dying last week has messed with my body -- I mean, diet alone, I can't eat anything without crying, and everything I do manage to eat immediately begs to leave my body. So in response to this documented stress on my body, the P Tracker has changed it's greeting screen from “9 Days Left” to “4 Days Late.” That fucking asshole betraying bitch ass P Tracker is trying to kill me. It's bad enough I'm swimming in uncharted territory. I mean, by now I should have started so I don't know what is supposed to be happening now other than period. Whatever is happening is just unvalidated crazies.

I spent the better part of yesterday sobbing in my bed. I haven't showered in 5 days. I understand I'm still grieving, but which part of this is grief and which part is that crazy period bitch? Dear P Tracker, I have no one else to take my frustration out on but you, so for the moment I am going to hate you in your stupid, cute pink flowered face!